A Typical Dinner
by Aurora-Borealis Coyote
Summary: It is a typical family dinner for Father and the homunculi. That is, if your definition of "typical" includes literally having humans over for meals, battling, and  government intrigue. CRACK.


**Since I've been writing borderline-surrealistic insanity lately, I think I shall post some homunculi-centered crackfic because they're awesome and funny. But the chapter of Scorpion I'm doing right now is a rough little freak to write.**

**I…have no idea what this here is. CRACK**

It was a normal family dinner at home for the homunculi and Father. Sloth was using a plate of sausages as a pillow, Wrath was taking business calls on his cell phone, Lust was using her fingers as eating utensils, Pride was ignoring everyone's compliments as to how good the dinner he had prepared was, Gluttony was eating, Greed was almost drunk, and Envy was thinking about how strange his family was.

"Pride…" Father began, looking at his plate. "I'm really not sure exactly how to say this…but when you said you cooked steak…what _kind_ of steak did you prepare?" something did not look right. Well, his freak children never looked right if you asked him. But the steak smelled like human and that was a more pressing concern.

"Well, Father, you know how I like to hunt," Pride evasively said, his shadows lifting his fork.

"Pride. 'Well, Father, you know how I like to hunt' is not a kind of steak. I'm asking you if you used the latest military member to have found us out for dinner _again,_" Father said, grateful that he had rid himself of most of his emotions because he did not want to exert himself any more than his children normally made him. He wasn't exactly cut out for parenthood, but at least he could admit it.

At Father's interrogation, Lust bit her lip to keep from laughing and made sure she did not make eye contact with Envy or Gluttony. Among the three of them, they had always found Pride to be odd in the bad way ever since they caught him reading Truth x Izumi tentacle doujinshi.

"The only thing humans can really do correctly is taste good," Pride said in a matter of fact tone.

"No. Human families can be normal," Envy said bitterly, putting his head into his hands. "That's why you made seven of us, isn't it, Father? Because the humans who want to be around us are as rare as Amestrian televangelists and are also more messed up than I am."

"Envy," Father warned.

"No, Father, you should really listen to us. You create a whole lot of us to help you, you don't care about us at all, and then the few humans who you bring in are so screwed up they scare that rock called Sloth," Greed said. "This doesn't benefit anyone! Am I the only one who sees this? Your plan can never succ-"

"I didn't make you all so you could have _opinions_," Father interrupted, and became just as wonderful as a caretaker as Dante. "And anyway, I don't think the Gold Toothed Doctor, as you put it so eloquently, is 'so screwed up.' He thinks we're a perfectly normal family."

Sloth rolled his head over the sausages. They felt nice. Having to listen to his family argue was not. He had no energy for things he did not enjoy, and that meant most days he did not have energy for his family. And when he did, he usually ended up pretending to be asleep because of more arguing and battling. He really wished his family could be more laid-back. After all, it must have been Father's fault that Sloth had been so deprived of love that he ended up calling Major General Armstrong "Mom."

"When I met him, he was really drunk on gin and he tried to amputate my hands. So then I tried to amputate his life," said Lust. Humans were such fools. It was as if they wanted their lives to be as damaged as hers. Well, she could make that wish come true.

"I'm glad you didn't. He's my Surgeon General," said Wrath, who had just got off his fourth cell phone call. The others had barely even noticed he was there except for his occasional yells of "BITCH, YOU'RE FIRED" or "Well, fine then, if you don't like how I run Central then why don't you go to that communist wonderland Briggs with good old comrade Olivier Armstrong."

"…you made him Surgeon General," Greed repeated as if he could not believe his pierced ears.

"Go live in Ishval if you don't like how your youngest brother structures his country," said Wrath as he drank some of his tea, which was in a teacup made of the skull of a Xerxesian.

"When I was in Ishval it was better than this family," Lust said, expecting to be ignored by everyone except Gluttony, who replied with "Ishvalan people are savory." Lust patted Gluttony's shoulder. How grand, she thought, the cannibal is the most innocent out of us all.

But Envy interjected here. "In Ishval, it was just you and me and Gluttony," he said, "and Father wasn't there and we got on fine and it was just us and the wide desert sky," he continued with nostalgia. "Sometimes I think life would be better with just us three!" he said as he cut a piece of steak in a very angsty manner.

"But it isn't," Pride coldly said. "It's us eight."

"We're all alone. No friends…no colleagues except for a few, none of which I care about…" Greed added, having had close friends, but then they got killed by his brother. What a family portrait.

"Doesn't Havoc count?" Lust asked. Of course, she thought, Pride didn't count any of her friends, since Pride only cared about his own life. He got this quality from Father and seemed to not want to give it back.

"Lust. You eat with your fingers, your best friends are Envy and Gluttony, and you don't even believe in love. And somehow you go on more dates than I do," said Greed, who, again, was ignored.

"No, Lust, he doesn't. After all, he wouldn't have anything to do with you if he found out you were not human," said Wrath, placing his hand over the telephone receiver and using his other hand to hit Gluttony, who had eaten half of his military hat.

"I want Havoc for dinner," Gluttony said thoughtfully in a voice that would make most people run away but made Lust want to pat his head.

"He is not of use…he will not come over," said Pride as he mentally counted how many times Envy had said "I want a normal family" since they had been created.

"Then find more people who _are_ of use to us and maybe more people would actually want to help us," said Lust.

"Well, Kimblee is of use to us and he came over the other night," said Pride.

"Yes. And he did not stop talking," said Envy, who thought that everyone Pride knew was weird, including Mrs Bradley, who he said had a "torturous-looking braid."

"Actually, he did every time you yelled at him 'stop telling me what to do! You're not my real mom!' which was about every other time he said something," said Father as he adjusted his toga, a present from the Truth (yet another wonderful acquaintance).

"Maybe I wouldn't have if you chose to keep company with people who try to provide adequate support for our family," complained Envy. There were many humans (who he didn't like, but still) who could help them.

"I need some tequila, please," Sloth said in his sleep and then rolled onto the floor, falling off of his chair and shaking the ground.

"Maybe we could go on a talk show and get more money," said Greed, even though money was the least of their worries.

"Yes, we could. I believe that is our problem," Pride felt he was the only one with any common sense. "And besides, didn't we just publish our memoir back in the beginning of the recession?" Pride never consented to the publication of 'Father and Truth Plus Seven,' and most times refused to acknowledge its existence, even if it made them famous (Wrath grew hateful towards cameras for some time, and after being followed, Envy, Lust and Gluttony had snapped and cooked a paparazzo for dinner).

"I think we would never run out of material to talk about," said Lust, trying not to offend anyone, but at that moment there was no inoffensive way to get her point across. Of course, nobody reacted to what she had said, since her profound words were overshadowed by Gluttony trying to eat Wrath. But Lust almost didn't care. She wasn't very close to Wrath, even though they were, as a family, supposed to be. But "supposed to be" was a concept the homunculi were not so familiar with. If you asked Father, this would apply especially to Envy.

"That's it!" Wrath threw his cell phone at Gluttony's head. Unfortunately for Gluttony, Wrath had perfect aim. "I really think that as the most powerful form of living beings, we could at least act like it. My subordinates are useless idiot humans but at least none of them have tried to bit my arm off!" (well, there was that one time with a soldier whose I will not reveal for his safety, and after that particular incident, he swore never to smoke anything the Fuhrer gave him ever again).

"That is very true, Wrath, and I agree with you, because Gluttony is one of my most…unique children. But," Father said, about to commit another atrocity even worse than the time he decided to give all the homunculi tattoos even though he had no license to tattoo anyone- saying one of the most overused clichés ever-, "you're stuck with us."

Envy groaned barely noticeably and Sloth, in his sleep, began reciting the lyrics to "Alejandro," while Lust reached with her spears across the table for some bread. Pride, looking to see if anyone would notice, lifted one of his shadows to his mouth and began eating what looked like a hand.

"Actually, Father," Greed replied, after a long silence (well, it wasn't silent, there were human screams coming from the basement and Envy had left the radio on upstairs), "you're the one who is stuck with us."

"I really hate you all sometimes," Father said, calmly as he could, which sounded much more calm than he felt.

"Should I invite our sacrifices over for dinner?" Envy asked Lust quietly on an aside.

"Why not?" she replied. It would be, to say the least, eventful.


End file.
